It's been a while....

Wow, I never write in this thing anymore. I am sure that no one reads it but it can still serve as an outlet of some sort I am sure. So many things have happened. I won't even attempt to update you on all of them. Rather I want to focus on what I am feeling right now

I am lost. It's funny how we think we find ourselves and are doing things that help us grow and learn more about ourselves but in essence we are just loosing ourselves even further. I don't even know how to accurately represent what I think and feel at this point, and that is a huge problem.

What do you do when you thought you could rely on someone and rely on the situation you are in and then you find out it's not as secure as you thought? I am sure any good buddhist would embrace the principle of impermanence, which is all well and good as an idea. But does that mean I shouldn't work to have a lasting relationship? Should I just say it is not going to last and give up on making it work? If that is the case, then really there is no point in having relationships in the first place. While I am sure the main point is to learn what you can and embrace life and teach others in the process but that seems so stiff and rigid. I don't believe that human love between two people can be considered and classified or justified in terms of this concept.

How do you spend your time in a relationship if you know there is no common goal? Is love enough even when you know that the love you share has a limit and an expiration date? How does love expire?

I guess these are all just questions that I don't have answers to and can't seem to find the answers to. There are so many parts of me that just want to give up on love and relationships but that's far to easy for my emotional, sentimental nature. I am sure it only gets more complicated from here but some sense would be good. Some consistency in my life is not too much to ask for. I just want to find someone that is willing to stick around and stick it out. I know i have my faults and my wrongs but why do i attract people that care more about logistics and practicality than they do about love? When did love start being a thing of practicality and acceptions.

I live by and continue to live by this quote,"Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon."

So Hey. Could we do that again? I know we haven't met, but I don't want to be an ant. You know? I mean, it's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continuously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner. "Here's your change." "Paper or plastic?' "Credit or debit?" "You want ketchup with that?" I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be ant, you know?